Don’t ignore this blog entry just because you think this doesn't apply to you. I never thought it would apply to me either and the thought never even crossed my mind, but on July 28th I became a single parent without even asking for it. Was left without notice; without an explanation. I was left alone with three children just like that.
The worst thing that you can do is put your children in the middle. Leave The Kids Out of It ! This is a very difficult emotional rollercoaster for an adult to deal with never mind a little person.
When you are an adult no matter how painful it is for you, you can always recover, you are an adult. It will take some time but you will be able to turn things around. The little people on the other hand, they will be damaged for the rest of their lives if you throw them in the middle.
When this happened to me I lost 15 pounds in 7 days. I ended up in the hospital. I couldn’t eat or drink. I was in shock and the pain was unbearable. I didn’t know what to tell my kids. I was hurt, they were hurt. I tried to hide my emotions but I couldn't, the pain was too big.
I got help. I signed my kids up for therapy. She was not only helping my kids deal with the situation but she was helping me protect my children. She told me what to do and what not to do; what to say and what not to say to my children about what was happening.
For children, divorce does not have a beginning, middle, and an end. It is a process. The process and the adjustments continue as children age. For children, divorce is an abrupt and scary end to “normal.” It is also the start of a new kind of family- two homes.
What can parents to do help their children through this difficult family transition? Here’s what I was taught and it really works if you stick to these “don’t” and “do’s” list:
| DON'T... |
| Assess blame. Children shouldn't be taking sides. |
| Talk negatively about the other parent. |
| Overburden your children with emotional or financial concerns. |
| Use children as message carriers to the other parent. |
| Make your child your confidant - remain the adult and parent. |
| Allow your children to put themselves in the middle of adult conflicts. |
| Discourage your child's desire to have a relationship with the other parent or step-parent. |
| DO... |
| Allow children to openly express their own feelings. |
| Listen to your children and validate their feelings. |
| Let children know about changes such as visitation, moving, new school, etc. |
| Reassure your children that the divorce was not their fault. |
| Emphasize the finality of the divorce. |
| Spend quality time with each child. |
| Be consistent with rules, expectations and discipline. |
| Protect your child from parental conflict. |
| Provide a safe and stable environment. |
In order to Leave The Kids Out of It… We parents need to set aside our personal issues and focus on the best interests of the children.
For some parents, these discussions are easily done alone or with the help of a mediator or counselor. For others, the discussions are difficult and made more so by unresolved anger, blame or grief and require intensive assistance from mental health professionals.
The prospect of a good life and healthy relationships for children of divorce are made better by the efforts of their parents. It can be done. Divorce hurts, but we can do much to ensure a bright future for our children.
